Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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