I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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