is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
