then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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