my vag is so smooth its legendary
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
