Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
