All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
