I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
