the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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