Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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