We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
