It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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