Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
