It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
