You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
