remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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