Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
