Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
