if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
