Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
