Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
