Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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