I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
