I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Someone shit on the floor
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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