White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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