she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
