you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
