So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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