Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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