hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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