I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you had me at cake vodka
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
