He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
