My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
