I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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