There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
