You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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