I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
