We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
