yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
