I want you more than these girls want KFC
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
