I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
