2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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