Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
