Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
