I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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