Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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