I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
