The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
