he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
