I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
