I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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