ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
