handjob tips. give me some.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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