just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
