he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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