Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
