I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
